A little history lesson, and some garbage about where zombies come from.
Today, it may get a little more interesting as it's time to discuss:
TACTICS FOR THE INEVITABLE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
I know quite a few people that have plans in place for a zombie invasion, but the main question is:
Well, I like to think I am.
Now, being from Liverpool, I am definitely not spoiled for choice with regards to gun shops, or armouries, or ancient burial grounds where you miraculously find some crazy sword that possesses the power to destroy all zombies within a 3 miles radius.
But I haven't just formulated one set of tactics, I have formulated many, so lets have a look at the scenarios one by one.
Here is a quick explanation of the zombie situation:
Zombie apocalypse has not long begun, so there is time to find somewhere/put the best plan into action before the invasion gets to a ridiculously uncontrollable level and you actually have nowhere to run.
We not only have shuffling zombies, but running zombies too, so the tactics need to involve ideas to keep away both oncoming onslaughts.
Situation #1 - zombie apocalypse begins whilst in work
It's another on of those days, work is a bit quiet, no customers in the store, just me and between 3-5 members of staff gazing out the window talking about Alan Partridge, Star Wars, PS3 games and other such geeky things when suddenly I notice what looks like a member of the living dead headed our way.
As that one comes into view, so do a few more... taking out some members of the public on their way, ripping open their stomachs, having a nibble on some intestines and basking in the bloody goodness!
First things first... quickly find the nearest key holder, lock the front door and get the shutters DOWN! Ensure that the back door to the shop is secure and have a scan around on the shopfloor for weapons.
There's be mops, a hoover, pens, elastic bands and drawing pins. Potentially some nails in the office, but otherwise weapon supplies are thin.
The pipe from the Henry hoover can be removed and can be used as a weapon for smashing the zombies in the head, should we get that close. The same goes for the mops.
We could use some sellotape or blu-tak and stick drawing pins to the end of pens and fire them off elastic bands. Probably not very effective, but would hopefully be quite distracting. And whilst people are forming the pen/pin hybrids, we can print out a ridiculous amount of top-up vouchers.
Then, it would be a case of proceeding down into the basment. Get everyone's bags, fill them with as much food as possible and a few mobile phones so we have some form of communication between each other and our family/friends if needs be.
Anyways, downstairs there is a fire escape which leads back up and out onto the street away from the shop. Yes, we may hit more zombies, but at least we will be slightly equipped.
The next stop would be Callans to break in, pick up some air rifles and pellet guns. A couple of people would be designated as "keeping dixie" (as you used to do in school... or "keeping watch" for anyone else out there) and obviously bludgeoning in some zombie brains with Henry's big pipe and some pen-through-zombie-eye-socket-action.
Replica Desert Eagles and other such weapons would be pocketed, loaded, and ammo collected for some longer range kills.
Next we would head to Rapid Hardware. Once in here, it's a case of "ok, you guys go that way, we'll go this way, get what you can and meet back here in 15 minutes". Strength in numbers, especially seeing as how this is a multi-level store and Callans is about as big as my living room.
Once in Rapid, we could arm ourselves with knives, axes, chainsaws and other such melee weapons, although chainsaws may be a bit heavy, they would be very effective, but if you swing one too far, you take the risk of hurting yourself. So I'll the decision up to anyone who wants to make that choice to drag around a petrol powered chainsaw.
The next port of call would be Tesco.
There are 2 and the preferred one would the larger one by Paradise Street for the plain simple fact that they have a better entertainment section and sell TVs and the one by Clayton Square doesn't. And I'm sure we'll still be needing some form of entertainment!
It should be pretty easy to hold up in a Tesco as they have strong shutters, a VAST array of food, and I'm pretty sure they will have some kind of microwave or cooking facilities in the staff room for us to cook food.
Then, we just wait. Make sure the place is secure and you have people watching all doors at all times. Make sure there isn't too much noise made so as not to bring attention to ourselves and find good positions to be able to keep an eye on the invasion from all angles.
The other good thing about the buildings in Liverpool where the Tesco supermarkets are located, is that the buildings are high.
This means we can get up to the roof to leave a distress signal and hope that once the military decide they are going to send out helicopters to help people, we can be found!
Alternatively, if Little Dave or Gary are in (and they both have cars) our first port of call would be their cars, then as far out of the city as we can. Stopping off to pick up family members on the way and stealing enough cars to house us all and get us all out to the country and to potential safety. Smaller population = less zombies :)
...and that's it for zombie tactics for today! I think I've bored you all enough, and so the next blog will be situation #2 - zombie apocalypse happens whilst at home.
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